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Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook (Hardcover)
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This will be the very last book you ever read. Because after you have read this book, you, Good Sir, will know how to be a pro athlete. And pro athletes don't need books. Or strong family bonds. Or any of that stupid crap. Not when they have ready access to millions of dollars and scores of smoking hot chicks with questionable judgment.
This book will be all you require to cast aside your boring life as some jackass who cruises around bookstores hoping to score grad-school trim. With Men with Balls, you will learn how to:
- Showboat using classical pantomime techniques
- Figure out whether or not a stripper actually fancies you
- Emotionally cope from the emotional fallout of rookie year hazing games
- Find out which free locker room amphetamines will give you a shot of energy, and which will cause you to run down terrified schoolchildren with your Escalade (NOTE: Some do both)
- Avoid media scrutiny by directing beat writers and columnists to the nearest hot buffet
So grab your balls, bookboy. You're about to become a home-run hitting, steroid-injecting, angry-orgy-having Turbostud. They're gonna need a whole ocean just to wash your jock.
About the Author
Drew Magary is the co-founder of the website Kissing Suzy Kolber and a columnist for Deadspin.com. He's also a writer for SmithGifford, an ad agency in
"Profane, beyond naughty, and, I have to say, just damn funny."—Buzz Bissinger, author of Friday Night Lights, A Prayer for the City, and Three Nights in August
"Men with Balls is funny, completely uninformative, and horrifyingly profane. In short: the perfect book."—Michael Schur, cofounder of FireJoeMorgan.com and Co-Executive Producer of The Office
"Extremely funny. And I'm not just saying that because Drew gives me free mustache rides every Thursday."—Jay Chandrasekhar, founder of Broken Lizard and cowriter and director of Super Troopers, Club Dread, and Beerfest
"Drew Magary possesses a keen insight into pro sports' unyielding loads of crap. Men with Balls oozes with, well, balls."—Jeff Pearlman, author of Boys Will Be Boys and The Bad Guys Won!
"I hope to one day write a book that is even comparable to Men with Balls. It is definitely a must-read."—Chris Cooley, Pro Bowl tight end, Washington Redskins
"Men with Balls is a terrifyingly astute takedown of pro sports masquerading as brilliant satire."—Stefan Fatsis, author of A Few Seconds of Panic and Word Freak
"One of the funniest books I've ever read--the product of a meticulously demented mind. Required reading for anyone who loves sports, and any athlete who knows how to read."—Will Leitch, author of God Save the Fan and founder of Deadspin